Forgiveness

Ever have one of those nights when you can't sleep..... a million things running through your brain? I have those most nights, which could be why I don't have dark circle under my eyes. I have steamer trucks. I remember many years ago watching the movie Roadhouse when it first came out. It's not a very memorable movie but the one thing I have always remembered is a line Sam Elliot's character used when asked if he ever sleeps. In that great gravelly voice of his, he responded, "I'll sleep when I die." Many days I feel the same, although I do enjoy my sleep, and woe be to the person who tries to wake me before noon on a Saturday or Sunday, the two days when I can usually sleep.

I digress.... last night I was in a very reflective mood and was thinking about Forgiveness. Why do we forgive? Is it a selfless act to help the one who wronged us let go of their guilt? Is it a lazy act because we don't want the hassle of standing up for ourselves? Or is it a selfish act that releases us from our anger and hurt. While I believe it can be any of those things and all of those things, I wonder what other people think and is anything we do truly selfless.

Most people who know me , think of me as this wonderful forgiving person. I have survived a lot of hell in my life, much of it inflicted on me by others, some I inflicted on myself out of my own stupidity. The fact is I do always forgive the ones who wronged me. Sometimes it hasn't been easy, and deep down there is still some pain lingering from some of the things done. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I don't think it's all that saintly of me, that I can forgive people so easily. It's true I don't like causing others pain and will often shoulder pain myself to keep others from bearing the consequences of their actions, but in many ways I am passive, and it is easier to forgive and let others "off the hook" so to speak than to confront the situation. On the other hand I have learned over the years that holding on to grudges and resentments, just festers inside of you, creating something ugly. I don't want to be that kind of person. I have people in my life that are and I see how lonely and miserable it makes them. So I'm selfish in that, I would rather forgive and let the past go than to be that person. I think it also helps that I believe in Karma. I believe what you put out there will come back to you, therefore I don't need to plot revenge on those who have wronged me, the universe will balance that all out. At least that's what I tell myself on the good days. On the few narcissistic, self pity days (that we are all prone to have) I tend to ask God, "Why me? Haven't I suffered enough?" Of course then I always feel guilty because there are so many people who suffer so much more than I have and they don't complain. I think what triggered this was seeing a man on TV who was a sky-diving instructor, full of life. On one of the jumps, his student, who had been up several times and knew what he should be doing, decided to goof off which caused him to fall too quickly. The instructor trying to come to his aid ends up getting hit be the student and his neck broken as he's falling from the sky (just one more reason, you will never find me jumping out of a plane) Miraculously right before he hits the ground his chute does open, which saves his life. But now he is paralyzed. When they were interviewing him, he never blamed the student's irresponsible actions nor harbored any ill will towards him. He was happy and still full of life. How many of us could be that magnanimous, when faced with such a life altering tragedy? I'm a forgiving person, but even I don't know that I could let something like that go so easily. And in light of that thought, am I truly as forgiving as I think I am? Maybe we could all learn him. Subject for another day, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason that chute miraculously opened on it's own was because God had bigger plans for him and knew he could be an example to the rest of the world if we but let him.