Email Forwards

I'm back! I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday weekend.

I have certain people in my life who are pretty relentless about sending me forwards. Irritatingly they never send me normal emails, they just forward everything they get. I rarely if ever pass them on, but every once in a while I do get a good one. Instead of annoying those on my contact list, I thought I'd share this really funny one with my readers:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. Because of these e-mails...


• I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about bacteria.

• I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

• I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

• Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

• I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

• I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

• ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason..

• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

• I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

• BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

• I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

• AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS..

• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

• I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

• I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

• THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

• AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

• I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

• I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

• And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

So how do you feel about "forwards" and do you send them on?